Hey everyone,
It’s been a while since I posted, and for the first time in a very long time I am posting not as the character I have so beautifully crafted, but as myself, my whole self—the person who exists behind the images of adventures, parties, and fun.
Watching the news and the recent hearings regarding the Kavanaugh Supreme Court appointment I feel I have a moral obligation to post what you are about to read. I am not asking for sympathy. I am not asking for your opinion, all I am asking is for you to read a bit of my story.
Women are boisterously raising their voices about a variety of issues including sexual assault, pay inequality, and the overall ongoing disrespect they have endured from the other sex and the systematic oppression which has accompanied the the treatment.
For the last decade of my life I have found myself in abusive relationships with men who not only physically, emotionally, and financially abused me, but did so with very little admonishment from their peers. The past six months I have taken an arduous path to leave my abuser upon discovering massive amounts of infidelity and accusations of rape and assault, from more than one woman. For that information, and the people who felt they needed to inform me–even though they knew how much it would hurt me–I am forever grateful as it gave me the self respect to never return and immediately cease all communications to the person whom I trusted, whom I loved.
The first thing we women are asked when we try to speak out against abuse is usually victim blaming or the ever so insulting question “why did you stay?” It’s a pretty simple answer, I stayed because I continuously hoped things would get better. Falsely, I believed he would never deliberately hurt me— he would stop drinking so much, he would not hit me again, maybe he would stop belittling me if he just made more money. Foolishly I remained loyal and believed I was everything he said, “fat,” “ugly,” “useless without him,” “a tag along no one wanted,” “no one wants someone like you.” For years I heard abusive words while I financially supported this person and even paid for his education to obtain a better paying job–in addition to thousands upon thousands of dollars into his nautical dreams which became my nightmares. Love blinded me, and the isolation of living on a boat and being away from my support group created a trauma bond which I was unable to break at the time. I hated myself, he knew that, he knew exactly what to say to ensure I never spoke out, was dependent upon him, and he could continue to use me as his source of income and “narcissistic air supply.”
It has been through much therapy, soul searching, support of my friends and family, sobriety, and research on to narcissistic abuse that I have been able to come to terms and realize— it was not my fault he cheated, raped her, or hit me; his actions are only a reflection of his own insecurities, poor character, and deep seeded self loathing. I projected my own good attributes on to him and never believe malice could be a driving factor for anyone, learned that lesson. To realize you have been absolutely betrayed when you have given your all to a person is an emotional hell-scape I would not wish on to any person.
I left social media for several months because I could not psychologically cope with what was being thrown in my face and the stark realization that my life was going to be drastically different than what I had been envisioning. After one last terrible physically assault prior to my birthday, I left my island home, family, and life with my head hung lower than my sense of self-worth and covered in bruises all over my body. My nuclear family was happy to see me home, but all I could focus on was what I could do for myself to ensure I never fell into another abusive relationship again. Blaming myself constantly and being angry at the trap in which I had been engulfed.
The first step I took was to completely cut alcohol out of my life; I didn’t go to meetings, I didn’t take any pills to help with an addiction, I just decided it was in my best interest to ensure my emotions could not be manipulated or harmed any further. Proudly, I’ve been alcohol free nearly six months, it’s not always easy, and sure people tease me, but whatever I’m fit as fuck now because of the choices I have made.
In lieu of booze, I turned to my friends and family for support in my time of need and found I was not this hated person I had come to believe I was, in fact it was quite the opposite–more people loved me than I ever could have imagined.
I could have crawled back, I could have answered any number of his emails, the messages he sent to me and my family, his use of friends to inquire about me, the calls, anything— but I did not, he realized what he lost and hoped he could elicit a reaction, one I refused to give. I went so far to block him everywhere; since the day I left I have not looked at anything pertaining to him or asked about his status. I chose to go full no contact, try my best not to look back, and move forward with myself and the life I deserve. In fact, this post is my first public recognition of the end of my engagement, which came down harder than the Hindenburg.
Exercise became a focus as I realized that while I endured the escalating abuse over the last few years, depression and the use of alcohol as a coping device had taken its toll on my body and I could not even recognize the gaunt and sad figure which stared back whenever I gazed at my reflection. The vibrancy of my soul which once permeated from my being had instead decayed into a vacuous and depleted corpse. The person I loved, my own self, had been utterly destroyed through years of continuous abuse; I had come to believe every lie and degrading remark I was told.
In a few months time I lost nearly thirty-five pounds, now down nearly fifty six months later. I developed enough sense of self worth to realize I had not lost anything– I had gained everything. The dead weight and parasitic entity which had pulled me beneath the thrashing waves of a relentless state of depression–to which I had nearly succumbed–was gone. I was free.
What good would it do me to wallow in self-pity; I came to find I did not actually miss any aspect of who I thought was my soul’s counterpart. I no longer needed to be ashamed of my nerdiness, my love of technology, politics, history, or really anything which mattered to me. Those hobbies and interests had only been discarded and shamed because it is easier to abuse and control a person when you can take away what makes them happy, when you can destroy their sense of self and independence.
Shame is a very powerful weapon which is used far too often to ensure victims do not speak up about the abuse and trauma. In my particular case I was terrified compromising photos and videos of myself would be shared in mass, I would be publicly ridiculed and called a “whore.” This fear, which is sadly still a possibility, kept me silent for much too long.
For years, I lied to friends and family about what was actually going on behind the scenes, telling everyone everything was great and painting a paradisiac painting on social media. The shame of admitting I had made a terrible mistake and again was being abused was far too frightening, worst- I be blamed since I had previously been in an abusive relationship with a prior partner. The fear people would claim “something is wrong with her,” pushed me to try my best to make an unworkable situation work.
So here I am, naked to the world with my soul bared and I am here to say no one will ever beat me and no man will disrespect me while I stand silent and ashamed. I am worth more than I have been given and I will not accept less than I deserve; you deserve the world, do not forget it— repeat that mantra until your lips crack and your eyes are soaked, because it is true. We all deserve love, respect, and happiness.
I left, I escaped, and I am alive and thriving because I was able to do so, and that strength came from me and my own determination and discipline. For all of my friends who helped me and have listened patiently, thank you. To all of my family who housed and cared for me, thank you, and to my previous employer who believed me when I finally had the strength to speak out. Thank you.
If you are scared, if you feel you are alone, if you think you have no other options, I hope my story can inspire you because you deserve more and you can have it. At this point in my life, I took the plunge and bought myself a one-one-way ticket to explore a part of the world I had yearned to see— a place I was promised I would sail if I just funded his dreams. My life dream is traveling and he promised me the world and instead I was given Hell. But one thing this ordeal has instilled is the truth that only you can make your dreams happen, no one will ever care about your dreams more than you do.
So much more exists to this story, but I do not feel social media is the appropriate place for such depth. If you are interested in reading more of what I have to say I have started my personal blog in regards to all things me. A few of you might have remembered me as Aloof Nerd; that person took a detour for a while, but she’s back—nerdier and goofier than ever. And thankfully, I can say she is happy.
This video was inspired by a large array of influences from artwork and people; I am very proud that I was able to find a creative outlet to express my sentiments towards my particular situation and examine it from a macro perspective in relation to current events. Not only am I proud of this creation, I am proud I was able to make it with two of my best friends, Stephanie Stein and Ian Rojas; two people whom I very much admire and love, without these two I do not know if I would be here any longer. Stephanie has been on her own amazing journey of self-respect and growth and her experiences mirrored my own. The vision of womanhood and the respect we must demand is not a third person perspective, it is an experience both of us have lived through for many years.
If you are a man, I assure you this is not a personal attack, I do not hate all men, moreover the fact that I am still attracted to men might scientifically prove, once and for all, sexual orientation is not a choice. However, you can not deny the growing problem of abuse towards women; if you choose to stand idly by and not take an active role in combatting disrespect and abuse towards the women around you then you are part of the problem.
As a society we will not progress without cooperation, and at this point I believe the unified voices of women need to take precedence over the usual status quo of masculine centrism and direction. So next time you see a friend belittling his significant other, or really any woman, step up and say something. What you see in front of you is just a small sampling of what is going on behind closed doors, and that woman will be appreciative that someone, anyone, can see what is happening to her, and I assure you she feels powerless to stop it and without options.
Nearly a third of women in the U.S. have experienced sexual assault and nearly 23% of all women in the US have reported they have endured physical abuse from their partner. These are REPORTED numbers, meaning many more women are likely not willing to acknowledge or admit the abuse. Gaslighting is a common weapon in abusive relationships and the public ridicule which often accompanies domestic abuse survivors prevents many speaking out about their trauma. In regards to Dr. Ford’s testimony people asked why she waited so long to come forward; since she spoke out she has received countless death threats and is fearful of her safety— I think that says enough about why women often remain silent and suppress their trauma.
Also, I recognize abuse does occur to men, however with the statistic being less than one in ten who have experienced domestic abuse, I believe the argument to debase mine is of little relevance and moot, the response is nothing other than dismissive and insulting. Women can also be abusive, that being said, men fear women will break their heart, women fear men will kill them. Sadly, women who are murdered are most likely to have been killed by a partner or previous lover, the same statistic can not be said of male victims of murder.
If you enjoy the artwork I have created, or you have a similar story you want to share, please like and share this video. With the midterm elections enabling more women than ever to enter politics it is time for our voices to be heard and a radical change in direction be taken. The women’s march occurring RIGHT NOW is just the beginning to an uphill battle which we must endure. The older generation will fade away and it is up to the youths to steer the discussion and direction which we want to see in our futures. Just like my own dreams, if you want to see change you need to be the one making the steps.
If you made it to the end of this post, thank you for your time and I hope my words will have some resonating effect as to how you view the current state of affairs.
Follow my ongoing adventures in the saga that is my unpredictable life over on my new instagram @aloofnerd
